KNOT NIPPLES

One of my favorite sports while on the midnight shift was catching prostitutes ‘in the act’.  It was even better if the prostitute was a female impersonator.  One particularly busy ‘girl’ was Teddy Cabbagestalk.

He was quite lovely in his weave, full make up, sparkle earrings, jersey cling top, painted on jeans and silver stiletto heels. Oh, and a really nice set of extra long acrylic nails with rhinestones glued on.

Damn, he looked good. 

The song flashed in my head...

{She's a brick house
Mighty mighty,

just lettin' it all hang out
She's a brick house

The lady's stacked and that's a fact,
ain't holding nothing back.}

He had 46 double D’s and hips that swung like two bowling balls in a gunny sack.  His legs went on forever and this was long before RuPaul was a glint is her, er, his daddy’s eye.

So, it’s coming up on 2:00 am when my partner, Moonie, spots him strutting his stuff up the main drag (no pun intended).  We parked on a side street and got out the binocs. We didn’t have to wait long before we saw a white mini-van hit the brakes.  I’m sure it was just some poor lost soul needing directions to the airport.  NOT.

After a brief conversation Teddy, aka, Dee Lite was riding shotgun in the mommy bus.  We followed them to a dirt road alley that accessed the propane plant.  Geez, I guess John Sockervan needed to gas up his BBQ tank. 

We waited just long enough for the transaction to proceed from negotiation to business when we approached the vehicle. Teddy’s braids were bobbin’ good when we hit them with our super duper, Mac Daddy– high intensity Mag Lites.  I took Teddy and Moonie took the driver.  We got them out of the van and Moonie asked ‘John’ “what ya doin’?” 

Teddy just rolls his eyes as he adjusted his cleavage.

“Nuthin’, she's a friend” John replies.  “Oh, I think it was sumthin’” my partner says.  “what ya want to go and get a blow job from a guy for any ways?” He asked.

John says “that’s not a guy, that’s a woman!”

My partner Moonie  (a nick name I dubbed him with after an unfortunate jet ski incident involving the loss of his swim trunks) and I exchange glances and start to giggle. 

Teddy just rolls his eyes again and fidgets with his bra.

“Guess again, Einstein.”  Moonie says.

“What?, Nooo, that’s not a man! He’s got huge boobs” John says as he starts to look a little green around the gills.

“Oh, yeah it is” we chime together as we both start to laugh. 

Teddy was smirking now, and flipping his head to adjust his braids.

Moonie says “Teddy, show him your water balloons!”

Teddy, rather proud of his deception pulled up his top to display two black water balloons stuffed into his lace push up – under wire bra.

“Bu Bu But he’s got nipples, I saw ‘em,  NIPPLES!”  John declares.  He’s starting to look a little sicker now. This is really getting good.

“ Teddy, show him your nipples”, my partner is chuckling now verging on a full belly laugh. 

I shine my flash light high beam on Teddy’s high beams.  The balloons were positioned so the knots were in just the right spot.  Perkiest water balloons in town.

John feels the rush of full realization and begins to wretch, blowing his entire load  of drive-up window burger and fries. 

We get enough to load them up and start to take a good look in the rolling love machine.  There was a child’s car seat in the back.

Turns out John’s wife was in the hospital giving birth to their second rug rat when he was out cruising for his love connection.  What a peach.

While waiting in the vestibule to enter the booking area at the jail John got to see Teddy in full light.  He was still in denial, trying to convince himself that Teddy was a she not a he.  He looks deep into Teddy’s heavily made up eyes and says “but you have nipples!” 

Teddy, clearly fed up now, at the prospect of getting his picture took, full face and profile, abandons his falsetto voice and booms in his low baritone voice,
“Shut the fuck up ass hole!”

My thoughts exactly.