Sunday, October 31, 2010

KNOT NIPPLES

One of my favorite sports while on the midnight shift was catching prostitutes ‘in the act’.  It was even better if the prostitute was a female impersonator.  One particularly busy ‘girl’ was Teddy Cabbagestalk.

He was quite lovely in his weave, full make up, sparkle earrings, jersey cling top, painted on jeans and silver stiletto heels. Oh, and a really nice set of extra long acrylic nails with rhinestones glued on.
Damn, he looked good. 
The song flashed in my head...

{She's a brick house
Mighty mighty,
just lettin' it all hang out
She's a brick house


The lady's stacked and that's a fact,
ain't holding nothing back.}

He had 46 double D’s and hips that swung like two bowling balls in a gunny sack.  His legs went on forever and this was long before RuPaul was a glint is her, er, his daddy’s eye.
So, it’s coming up on 2:00 am when my partner, Moonie, spots him strutting his stuff up the main drag (no pun intended).  We parked on a side street and got out the binocs. We didn’t have to wait long before we saw a white mini-van hit the brakes.  I’m sure it was just some poor lost soul needing directions to the airport.  NOT.
After a brief conversation Teddy, aka, Dee Lite was riding shotgun in the mommy bus.  We followed them to a dirt road alley that accessed the propane plant.  Geez, I guess John Sockervan needed to gas up his BBQ tank. 
We waited just long enough for the transaction to proceed from negotiation to business when we approached the vehicle. Teddy’s braids were bobbin’ good when we hit them with our super duper, Mac Daddy– high intensity Mag Lites.  I took Teddy and Moonie took the driver.  We got them out of the van and Moonie asked ‘John’ “what ya doin’?” 
Teddy just rolls his eyes as he adjusted his cleavage.
“Nuthin’, she's a friend” John replies.  “Oh, I think it was sumthin’” my partner says.  “what ya want to go and get a blow job from a guy for any ways?” He asked.
John says “that’s not a guy, that’s a woman!”
My partner Moonie  (a nick name I dubbed him with after an unfortunate jet ski incident involving the loss of his swim trunks) and I exchange glances and start to giggle. 

Teddy just rolls his eyes again and fidgets with his bra.
“Guess again, Einstein.”  Moonie says.
“What?, Nooo, that’s not a man! He’s got huge boobs” John says as he starts to look a little green around the gills.
“Oh, yeah it is” we chime together as we both start to laugh. 

Teddy was smirking now, and flipping his head to adjust his braids.
Moonie says “Teddy, show him your water balloons!”
Teddy, rather proud of his deception pulled up his top to display two black water balloons stuffed into his lace push up – under wire bra.
“Bu Bu But he’s got nipples, I saw ‘em,  NIPPLES!”  John declares.  He’s starting to look a little sicker now. This is really getting good.
“ Teddy, show him your nipples”, my partner is chuckling now verging on a full belly laugh. 
I shine my flash light high beam on Teddy’s high beams.  The balloons were positioned so the knots were in just the right spot.  Perkiest water balloons in town.
John feels the rush of full realization and begins to wretch, blowing his entire load  of drive-up window burger and fries. 
We get enough to load them up and start to take a good look in the rolling love machine.  There was a child’s car seat in the back.
Turns out John’s wife was in the hospital giving birth to their second rug rat when he was out cruising for his love connection.  What a peach.
While waiting in the vestibule to enter the booking area at the jail John got to see Teddy in full light.  He was still in denial, trying to convince himself that Teddy was a she not a he.  He looks deep into Teddy’s heavily made up eyes and says “but you have nipples!” 
Teddy, clearly fed up now, at the prospect of getting his picture took, full face and profile, abandons his falsetto voice and booms in his low baritone voice,
Shut the fuck up ass hole!”
My thoughts exactly.









Thursday, October 28, 2010

SHE JÜGGED ME!

SHE JÜGGED ME 

It was about 3:00am (0300 hours cop time).  I was on routine patrol when I decided to stop at the convenience store for coffee. As I approached the parking lot the sodium lights illuminated a black male about 50 yoa who appeared to be cradling a wet white baby in his arms.  It was glossy and pink.  My first though was he had just delivered a baby in the parking lot and that there was definitely drama afoot.

As I drew nearer it became apparent that it was not a baby.  He was holding an arm load of intestines. 
I grabbed the microphone and announced to my dispatcher my location and that I had a man who had been eviscerated.  The dispatcher, being somewhat linguistically challenged asked me to 'repeat'......
I told her to send an ambulance to my location, I had a man who had been eviscerated.  "What is eviscerated?"  she asked.  Hm,  how to explain it tactfully...." HIS GUTS ARE HANGING OUT!"

I jumped out of the car and told him not to move, an ambulance was on the way. 
"He looked calmly at me and said "She jugged me!"  So, now I'm linguistically challenged.

 "She what?", I inquired.

"Jugged me,  she JÜGGED me wit a hawk bill knife!'" 

OK, I figured that one out right quick, a woman had slit his abdomen open using a linoleum knife. 
Holy Crap!!!!

About that time my lieutenant comes over the air "GET A DYING DECLARATION!"

Now, for those of you who are not attorneys, hear-say is information that you can't repeat in court if it comes from a third party.  In order to testify in court to something a person says you have to have heard them say it or its not admissible. 

There are some exceptions to the 'hear-say rule'.  One of them is a 'dying declaration'.  If the man died - and told  me something, I would be able to repeat his words in court if, at the time, he knew he was dying.  In order to fulfill the requirements of a dying declaration the officer must obtain a statement from the person after notifying them that they are dying. And they have to acknowledge that they know they are dying.  The court assumes a person who is dying and knows it will not lie.

"Get a dying declaration!!" came blasting out of my walkie talkie again.  The man looked at me, standing there, holding his intestines and said "Who dyin' ?"  I didn't have the heart to tell him "YOU!"

About this time the ambulance arrived and the EMT's loaded him up.  Just as the gurney was being shoved into the meat wagon my lieutenant arrived.  I was standing on the back bumper of the ambulance as the EMT handed me is wallet.  I was searching for his identification to get his information when the lieutenant jumps up on the bumper and says in a loud voice "you get that dying declaration yet?"

Again, my victim lifts up his head, looks at the two of us and says "who dyin'?"

"Nobody", I said, jumping down.  The EMT's were ready to roll.  I told the lieutenant I would follow the ambulance to the emergency room and get it there.  Clearly disappointed he acquiesced.

Thank heaven the EMT's had sent for the helicopter to transport this guy to a trauma center about 50 miles north of us.  After setting up the LZ  (landing zone) in a large field near by, I bade my dreaded task good bye. 

I went back to the parking lot and followed his blood trail for 10 city blocks.  Right up to the front porch where the 'jugging' had occurred.  Of course 'she' and the hawk bill knife were long gone.

The next day I found out that he had survived surgery.

A month later I found out that he had signed a 'non-prosecution' form absolving his girlfriend of all criminal charges. 

In 25 years I never again heard 'jÜgging' used as a synonym for getting 'shanked' .

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

IT'S CALLED A 'COME-ALONG'

What do you most remember your rookie year?:
Kicking a drunk out of the Buttery Diner. 



After the bars closed many partiers headed for the all night diner.  This guy got pissed off about something and decided to attack all the customers with a squirt bottle of catchup. When he ran out of ammo he re-armed himself  with the next best thing. He was holding them all at bay with the mustard bottle when I arrived.

I came up behind him and slipped my night stick between his legs. Grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, pulled back on his collar as I jacked up on his balls. He walked  tippy toed to the cruiser. It's called a come-along,  (Have nuts will follow). 

It's called a 'come-along'

I got a standing ovation from all the customers.

Geez I loved that stick...

He pissed himself on the way to jail and the last thing I heard him hollering as the D.O. stuffed him into the elevator was

 'my mother is going to sue you!!!'





Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Adventures on another planet. (MIAMI)

So, we are here for my brother's surgery. Part of his preparation is to 'clean out' his system. We stopped yesterday at Publix and bought 2 jugs of Gator ade for his mix. This evening he says to me -"what ...did you do with the Gator Ade?
 I said "hmmm, didn't you carry it up last night?"
 Room search commences~~~ no gator ade. OK, it's in the truck. He goes down to search, no gator ade. OK, I'll go look and if I don't find it I'll go get some more.

Truck search commences, no gator ade. Hmm, I think they fell into a mini-black hole or that place where orphan socks go in the dryer. Sooo, off to search for new gator ade.
I start to cruise US1 for a grocery store. Ahh, I spot a shopping center, good. I turn in, ooooo, double good --there's a 'whole foods grocery store'.  Surely they have gator ade. I find a place to park that was designed for any car smaller than a ford escort (I have a full size truck-here come the door dings).

I go into the store and all the aisles are one and a half cart wide so navigation was difficult. I search up and down every aisle and don't find a single product with a recognizable name.  Even their bottled water is by companies I never heard of. So I don't waste the trip I grab a small container of fresh berries, only $7 and head to the check-out.
First mistake, I pick the short line.  The lady ahead is trying to pay for her 60$ worth of gourmet food with a food stamp debit card that only has 8$ credit left on it. So she starts digging through the biggest Louis Vuitton gunny sack purse I ever saw and manages to round up $52 in ones and quarters. Half hour later I get to pay a dollar a piece for strawberries.
So, the store next door is Target. Surely THEY have gator ade. Inside I am greeted with the melodious sounds of screaming children. Now every Target I've ever been in has all their drinks and candy just past the cash-register area. Not this one, store search commences.

Cruising EVERY aisle I get to the farthest dregs in the deepest darkest corner in the far, far side of the store to find the soda, juice, water and YES!!!! Gator ade. Now all I have to do is make it back to the checkout. Not so fast, should have known this would be a mine field too.
As I try to escape up an aisle to get toward the front of the store I am trapped by a woman trying to navigate her 6 kids in three carts while tiptoeing in her hooker style bamboo stiletto platform shoes where the heels end in green balls... that look like gumballs. She weighs all of 79 lbs and her thighs are about the size of my forearm. (And she's had 6 kids)! Her jeans were so tight I could read the label on her thong underwear! (bet she's got more than $8 left on her food stamp debit card). 

Finally get around that sand trap and a into line. I'll be smart this time, I pick a long line (I'm not getting tricked into that fake short line again)!
So the cashier is really good, whips right through that double cart order that the sweet looking old grandpa we all adore is buying-- until he turns around and he has an 18" pony tail attached to the back of his bald head and his fly is open. I try not to turn up my nose to the wafting aroma of BO and urine -Yuck!

So she rings me up, I pay and drop my receipt into my purse with my change. I'm almost home free, I see the door, it's getting closer, closer, I can almost smell the barf in the parking lot when...... I make the mistake of making eye contact and smiling at the tall young mall cop with her badge on the wrong side of her too big, wanna-be cop shirt.   She smiles back and says 'I need to see your receipt'!
OMG, all these people in the store with double carts and bulging hobo bags over their shoulders and she wants to see the receipt for one 8 pack of gator ade,---- so I dig it out of my purse and she thanks me.
The way this trip is going I fully expected her to notice the GLOCK in my purse, but thank heaven she was more worried about my stealing a pack of gUM than my gUN!- (duh)
Back to the room safely.
Ah, I love life on other planets!!!!!!!!!!!!!










SEE ~ I TOLD YOU SO

There are Floaters and there are Sinkers, it's just a matter of timing.
I had just finished a nice breakfast at my favorite diner when the dispatcher called me. 

“Body in a swimming pool at the Regal Health & Tennis Lodge”. 

Ah, the lovely Regal Health & Tennis Lodge.  It was a rundown motel on the seedy side of town.  In its day it was the kind of place families would stay while the went to the local tourist attractions.  But it had been neglected and was now home to a variety of drug dealers, prostitutes, nearly homeless down & outers and traveling highway construction crews.
When I arrived I saw a small cluster of onlookers standing near the pool.  Among them were the motel manager, his handyman, a white guy in his 30’s, and little girl about 8 or 9.  As I walked up I noted that the warmth of the water was sending little wisps of steam into the cool morning air.  The water looked like low-fat milk.  You couldn’t see the bottom of the pool and about the only thing you could see was a fleeting glimpse of what appeared to be red swim trunks.
I asked about the cloudy condition of the water and the manager, clearly concerned I would call the health department, insisted the water had been clear until the pool service put the wrong chemical into it yesterday.  They were installing a self cleaning pool sweeper called a creepy-crawly.  The system consisted of a hose with a vacuum head with wheels.  It randomly cleaned the entire bottom and sides of the pool. 
The told me that the body was a guest who worked as a dishwasher at a local restaurant and that he most likely drowned during the night.  Not likely I thought since the skin was already extensively degloving.  Something that takes a few more hours than ‘last night’ would account for.
I assigned an officer to canvass all the rooms as I tried to catch people who were walking around the complex or heading to their cars. The little girl I’d seen earlier had been following me around.  “I can tell you something” she said.  I needed her to wait until I got to talk to the others before I lost them.  Of course no one saw of knew anything.  She was patient.  I was finally able to pay her more attention.
My first thought was that the little girl should not be watching a dead body floating round in the pool.  I the manager where the girl’s parents were.  He pointed out a guy sitting in a patio chair watching the show.  I suggested to the dad that he take the girl back to their room.  Instead he pulled up another chair so she could watch the goings on.

She looked at me and said, "It’s a dead body isn’t it?”  She turned to her dad and the manager,  put her hand on her hip, cocked it to the side just a bit and said  in a rather snotty tone “See, I told you so”. 

Then she said, “I told my them two days ago there was a dead guy at the bottom of the pool”.

“I told that manager yesterday there was a dead guy in the bottom of the pool”. 

“I told everyone there was a dead guy in the bottom of the pool, I even told them he was wearing red shorts!”
“Nobody believed me, they kept saying I was wrong, that it was the creepy-crawly. I know the difference between a pool sweeper and a dead guy!” 

“I even checked yesterday to see if he was still there.”

“ See, I told you so!” she said with a smug grin to the manager.

good Lord, this little girl had been swimming around in that murky water for two days with a dead body bobbing around at the bottom and no one would believe her.  Amazing. O.K., I thought, so dad does not mind the kid seeing this.  What a genius.

When we got pool buoy out, he was already turning a riper shade of green.  They bagged him up for transport but the medical examiner’s office said they lacked the appropriate facility for a body in his state of decomposition.  They asked that he be transported directly to the funeral home due to the excellent refrigeration it offered.  So it was that we had a ‘field trip’ autopsy to attend.
In the meantime I located two of our local female impersonator prostitutes.  Otherwise known as he-shes.  They were staying in the room adjoining the floater.  They told me three of them had been drinking by the pool two nights earlier and that the three of them had been drunk.  The two he-shes, Marissa (Melvin Stokes) and Linda (Roger Washington) were drag queen divas who wore platform shoes and sequin cocktail dresses the way you would wear Nikes and Levis. 
Marissa and Linda were both saving up for ‘the surgery’.  I’ll tell you this, California’s got nothin’ on Florida when it comes to a fair share of unique people.  You have to love them though, they really were a hoot.
Anyway, they told me they had been pretty much in the bag,  pool boy having provided the bottle of liquor.  The lovelies not wanting to get their hair wet passed when he suggested a midnight dip.  So as he went back to the room to get his trunks on they headed out for the bottle club.  That’s the last anyone saw the guy alive.
The next day at the funeral home our floater's ripening had reached full fruition. So much for that excellent refrigeration.  By now he had doubled in size and turned a shade of green that would make an avocado jealous. 
Obviously the situation called for gas masks.  Those flimsy little gauze medical masks would be worthless.  This situation called for the mac-daddy gas mask we carry in our riot gear. Especially if the doc popped a couple of those bulging gas bubbles. 
I looked over at the detective who had been assigned the case for follow up.  His gas mask was on upside down.  He looked like Steve Martin’s character in Little Shop of Horrors wearing his nitrous oxide re-breather with little waggeling antennae.
I nodded at him since talking is way too difficult in the mask and pointed to the mask.  He thought I was saying hi and nodded back.  I decided it was his problem and restrained a giggle. Besides these guys were always dressed to the nines, working in their little cubicles, never getting dirty.  This was going to be good.
Usually the gas mask was for riot duty, when tear gas was deployed, but thankfully the only time I truly needed it was for training and stinky dead people.  Many medical examiners, veteran cops and firefighters say they get used to it and claim they don’t need protection from the smell.  I thought of a my favorite George Carlin album; “Martha, I know what bad breath smells like, but yours could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon!”.  Well, Martha, this guy would knock those buzzards into next week.
The doc did his job examining the corpse for signs of trauma, cuts, scrapes, subtle signs of bruises, etc.  No obvious sign of foul play.  Due to the chemical changes in blood during decomposition a test for blood alcohol is not possible.  But there is a way to determine the presence and amount of alcohol in the body. 

The intra-ocular fluid does not ferment like blood.  So the doc pulls out a humongous needle and poked it right in the guy’s eye.  He drew fluid from both actually, to make sure there was enough to get good reliable tests.   Now that was hard to watch, yuk.
After the autopsy the detective complained that his mask didn’t seem to work well and he was going to turn it in for a new one.  I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it was probably fine and would have worked properly had he had it on ‘right side up’.


HELLO????

HELLO SAYRA-SOTA ????

The one thing you never wanted to hear the at shift meeting was the Sergeant calling  your name to work desk duty.  It seems that in the movies and on TV the audience is left with the impression that being the desk officer is some kind of good assignment. 

Quite the contrary, working the desk pretty much sucks.  It’s like having a ball and chain around your ankle.  You have to sit there all night except for an occasional potty break and supper.  And listen to nut jobs via Ma Bell.
So, it was with much disappointment that night, when I heard him assign me to the desk.  The night went by pretty much as expected.  The usual round of stupid questions and snotty citizens. They ask a question then like to argue with you when you tell them the answer.  As if winning their point could change the law.


I would try to squeeze in a chapter from my favorite Joseph Wambaugh book between complaints.  Every time I wanted to choke one of the callers out I would think what Rosco Rules do to this one, and grin.  I was just getting into the juicy party scene where Reba (no balls)Hadley was tricked into sitting on the glass coffee table when my phone rang… 
“Desk Officer, How can I help you?”
“Hayloooow?  Hello Sarasota!  The voice boomed over the receiver.  “This is Trooper Leon Boyce with the Hinesville Georgia Highway Patrol!”  He said with a distinctive southern drawl.  He drew the words out long and full “Thys iys Taahroooopaahh Leeeon Boyce with the Hiiiineeesssvyyllle  Geee-ourgia  Hiiiiiiiiiway Patttrolllll”.  
O.K. I thought, this is gonna be good.  He went on in his thick heavy drawl.  “Yall got a stolen Corvette down theyah?” 
Hell, I didn’t know, probably.  Possibly a report taken a day or two earlier on the day shift. 


 “If you can give me a tag number, I’ll go check.” 
“Don’t rightly know as yet” he replied. 
Then he went on .....


“One of aourha boyz was a chasin’ em on the hiiiwayha.  Got to goin’ purdy good too.    Theyz in the woods ryt naow.  Iham sorry to say the cah’s wrecked. They ‘rapped it round a pine tree.  We got the ghurls.  Theyha on theyha way to jjayellll ryght naow.”
By this time I was about to split a gut trying not to laugh into the phone, but wait it got better!
“So the car is wrecked?” I asked. 


“Yep, lyke I sayd, we got the ghurls. I expect the boyz’ll be in di-recktly. Won’t be toooo long naow --the DAWGS is on ‘em”.
Oh, my gosh, I was so glad the Sarge put me on the desk.  This phone call was worth it’s weight in Geeeeooooorgiah  peeeeekaans!




Turned out one of our rich citizens had given his brand spanking new Corvette over to a valet at the local dinner theater.  It just so happened that the valet, a 17 year old troubled young man decided at that very moment to retire from the valet industry and take a few of his closest friends on a little joy ride. 


It had started out to be a just a spin to the beach; that turned into a test drive on the interstate; that turned out to be a ‘hey, let’s go to Myrtle Beach!'


Only goes to prove sometimes you can have fun working the desk.

THE DAY HIS EARTH STOOD STILL

It was early fall and the weather was perfect.  For muggy south Florida the low humidity and cool temperature was a welcome relief.  It was about 10:00 am when I heard the radio call go out.  A house fire in a lower middle class neighborhood.  Actually it was a little lower than that but not run down. 

Tiny little cookie cutter homes that were the rage in the 1950’s real estate boom.  About 1200 sq. feet of suburban bliss for the post war wave of new Floridians.  Sort of a Florida Levitt town.  Now days it was mostly original owners who were really old, rentals or fix-er-uppers for newly weds were financially challenged.  Most of the homes needed a fresh coat of paint but the yards were tidy.
The officer assigned to the call was not one of my brightest stars so I headed out there to check on the situation.  As I arrived the fire department was just wrapping up.  It had been a small fire, confined to just one room.  All they had left to take care of was clearing the structure of heavy smoke.  As usual they opened doors on both sides of the house, opened a few windows and set up their extraction fans.  The house was clear of smoke in a few minutes.
The only problem with the fire was the dead guy in the bedroom.  So now we had a death investigation to work.  We entered the front door and were immediately struck with a very unusual sight.  The entire room from floor to ceiling and from wall out for about 3 feet were stacked Styrofoam dinner boxes.  You know the kind they put take out food in.  But, due to the smell from the fire smoke we didn’t detect the odor of spoiled food, if there was any. That was really odd.  But we were there to investigate the death.
So we headed on into the first bedroom.  There we observed a very elderly white male.  His body was laying on its back in bed as if he had been taking a nap. He was dressed in a khaki jump suit and the most remarkable thing about his singed body was the remains of what once had to have been a very long gray beard.  We had to inspect him for the obvious signs of any possible foul play before we made the call to the medical examiner’s office.  There were none of the signs that would set off alarm bells.
No sign of struggle, no sign of trauma, no weapons, nothing amiss.  What we found was one the most unique accidental deaths I ever attended.  He lay there peacefully.  As I looked him over I noted every thing about him appeared as though it had not been groomed for many years.  On his hands, the fingernails were very long. Claws really.  And stained by nicotine to an orange yellow, the obvious sign of a lifelong smoker.His hair under his head where it had been protected  from the fire was to the middle of his back.  His beard likewise had prior to the fire reached the middle of his chest. His toe nails were about as long as they could be and still fit into shoes.
In the corner of the tiny room a few feet from the side of his bed was a pyramid pile of cigarette butts. Apparently he would smoke in bed and flick the butts to the corner of the room.  Over the years they had accumulated into a pile that reached from the wall out about 2 feet and from the floor up about 2 ½ feet.  It was still smouldering a little bit.  It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that his smoking in bed, butt flicking had resulted in a toxic smouldering death.  No crime here.
We called the medical examiner’s office to report the death and provide them with the preliminary details.  His body would be transported to their facility for an autopsy.  In Florida any death that is unattended or does not have an attending physician who will sign the death certificate has to be investigated by the ME’s office.  Once they have determined the cause and manner of death they will issue the death certificate.
After they took our preliminary information and dispatched their ‘removal’ team, we still had some investigating to do. We sill had to determine the man’s identity and try to discover a next of kin. And try to ascertain how the situation in general came to be.
The first thing we determined is that his favorite brand of cigarette was Belair.  There had to be thousands of butts in that pile. Before rewards points on your visa card there were green stamps and other ways to get stuff for buying other stuff. 

In those years Belair cigarettes had something like coupons.  A strip of them came in a carton and there was one on the back of each pack of cigarettes.  They were like green stamps I suppose.  You were supposed to save them until you had enough to trade in for goods.  You could get all kinds of stuff.  In his bottom dresser drawer this guy had enough of those coupons bundled up with rubber bands that they looked like bricks.  He could have cashed them in for a new car!
We started with a check of the dresser next to his bed.  Some of the usual stuff was there,  wallet, keys, pocket change.  In the wallet was only a military ID.  He was a retired Captain from the Navy.  His date of retirement was 1959.  Mind you today’s date was November, 1986.  Twenty four years this guy had been retired and never put another piece of ID in his wallet.  No credit card, no voter registration no driver license.  Nada. 

Then I got to looking at his keys.  They were on a really old key chain.  There was no car in the carport, on the driveway or on the street out front.  None of the keys fit the front door.  In fact it appeared that the keys were, at a minimum, all from 1962 or earlier. 
Pulling the drawers open on the dresser we found loose change. Lots of loose change.  Probably several hundred dollars worth of loose change.  And there was something else about the change.  There were fifty cent pieces, Franklins.  And the quarters, they were ‘real’.  So were the dimes.  All real silver.  None of that copper wafer stuff.  Not a single penny was later than 1962 either.

Wow, looks like this guy’s world stopped in 1962.  We looked in more drawers.  In each drawer was neatly folded and stacked his t’shirts and shorts.  But there was something odd.  There were holes.  Little holes. As I leafed through the layers it was apparent that insects had been chewing through the layers, all the items had never been moved in the drawers in however many years it took for the insects to bore their holes down through the layers.  So, apparently the dresser drawers had not been touched since at least 1962.  Twenty four years of bugs munchin' on his fruit of the looms.
Still we didn’t find anything that would help us find a next of kin.  So we looked into the next bedroom.  It was obviously his wife’s room at one time.  It had a feminine decor, pink walls, once white, now yellowed french provincial dresser and headboard and a pink velvet chair lightly sprinkled with soot from the fire. 

The bed was neatly made and in the center a book.  Upon examination of the book it was a guest book from her funeral.  After I removed the book from the bed it left an outline, a shadow, part of which was formed by the soot but mostly it was dust, 24 years of dust.  The book had lain on that bed since the day of her funeral in 1962.  The guest register had only a couple names. 
The clothing in her closet was all 1950’s vintage.  I think Mame Eisenhower washer role model. All tidy and neatly hung.  Shoes, hats, purses, etc.  All as she had left it.  On her dresser a wedding photo of them from the 1940’s, probably WWII era.  And a small arrangement of plastic pink roses.  In the drawers it was almost the same as in his room.  All the lingerie was neatly folded and had little bore holes from the insects.  The holes in each garment line up perfectly, nothing had been moved in all these years.
In the bathroom it was obvious that the home had been neglected all these years.  The toilet had stopped working years before.  There was no water in it.  It had been used until it was completely full, the contents were dry and decomposed to the point it looked like potting soil from the nursery.  The bathtub and been plan ‘b’.  He used it as a toilet until it, too, was no longer functional, full almost to the rim, and also looked like the sludge drying pit at the local water treatment department. 

Through the window above the bath tub ran a garden hose.  It let to the middle of the room and had a spray head with a cut off valve.  In the middle of the floor was the largest lobster pot I’d ever seen.  You could boil a dozen lobsters it it at one time but you wouldn’t want to us it for lobster any more.  On top was a toilet seat and I don’t have to tell you what was in it. 
We still had not found a single paper with adequate personal information to lead us to a next of kin so we kept looking.  The only rooms left were the kitchen/dining area.  In the kitchen, on the counter tops and stove were peach cans.  The largest can you can buy at a grocery store.  They were all empty and stacked neatly from the counter top as high as they would go to fit under the kitchen cupboards, about 5 high as I recall, and from the wall out to the depth of the counter top. 

On the stove they were piled as high as they would fit, to the vent. The oven was filled also, neatly stacked empty peach cans.  On the other wall where the sink and window were he had stacked half gallon size cartons from milk.  Again stacked neatly from counter top as high as they would go and from the wall to the edge of the counter top.   It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that for many years this man lived almost entirely on peaches and milk. 
In the dining area was a table, chairs and hutch.  Stuffed into the shelves of the hutch and piled on the table were dozens of yellow envelopes.  I recognized them immediately.  They looked exactly like my income tax refunds.  They were U.S. Treasury envelopes.  Not opened.  They were all addressed to our victim.  Each one still contained their light green benefit check, probably his military pension and her social security.  The postmarks dated back to the early 1960’s.  Some were addressed to him,  some were addressed to her.
Among the multitude of stuff I had found it helpful to carry in my patrol car were a variety of paper bags.  They came in handy for many things.  Today filled three full size bags with wads and wads of unopened, un-cashed government checks.  After I counted them I estimated that there were about  750 checks.  I figured that they represented over $500,000.00!
The  checks, of course were of no value, government checks are not valid after 90 days.  But the idea that he had lived in squalor all those years when he had the means to live in some comfort was disconcerting to say the least.  I logged them in to property in case Uncle Sam wanted them back.
We spoke to a neighbor who’s house is where the bathroom hose came from.  He told us that he had provided the man with the hose when they cut off his water for not paying the bill.  That was several years ago.  He didn’t really know the old guy, said they tried to help him out when they could but the old man had little to say.  The neighbor had contacted meals on wheels when he discovered that the old man was living on peaches and milk.
We never found a next of kin.  The medical examiner’s office has some data resources we don’t.  I often wonder if they ever found his family. Eventually we discovered that the man had been taken into protective custody a few years earlier but that the department of health and human services had determined there was nothing wrong with him and released him back to live on his own, so much for counting on the agency that is supposed to watch out for the welfare of our elderly.

I doubt they even made an effort to do a home inspection.  If they had they would have learned that although he was ambulatory and could talk, his clock had stopped the day his wife died. 
That was the day his earth stood still.



The Class Ring

One of my guys got dispatched to a ‘shoplifter in custody’ at a local service station that had a connivance store inside.  The call usually means that a clerk has detained the shoplifter prior to police arrival.  When I arrived the officer had already cuffed and stuffed the suspect in the back of his patrol car. 

I stood by at the passenger window because it was so hot that day and the window had to be left half open so that the suspect could get some air.  While the officer gathered the necessary information to make out his report and affidavit I listened to the suspect argue with the two young women he had been with prior to his arrest. 

He was a black male about 20 years old, a nice looking kid dressed well.  The two girls were in their late teens, probably ‘keepers’.  What we refer to in law enforcement as people who can go to jail as an adult, rather than being juveniles that, after tons of paperwork usually end up being released to parents or guardians. 

It’s always better to arrest keepers.  Fast, easy, uncomplicated.  I’d rather work a homicide than do a juvenile shoplifter.  Half the paperwork trust me.
So, there I was, standing outside the cruiser window listening to this guy get read the riot act by his two homey-ettes.  The argument ended when they decided to leave him high and dry.  I checked with the case officer to make sure they were not involved and that it was okay for them to leave.

Apparently they had been waiting for him in the car while he went in for some beer and cigarettes.  According to all three, the girls were not aware that he was going to neglect the ‘pay’ part of the errand.  The girls walked home. 
His car was still in the lot and had to be impounded.  Impounding a car requires you to inventory all the contents.  That’s usually when we find the really fun stuff, like dope, weapons, and crack pipes – stuff like that. 

Nothing special showed up so it came time for our prisoner to sign his receipt for the inventory.  This required his being momentarily unhand cuffed.  I watched as he signed the paperwork and saw that he was wearing a high school ring from the school my husband and daughter had graduated from. 
I also noted that the ‘year’ on the ring was all off from how old this guy was.  I asked him if he went to that high school and he replied ‘no’, he had attended Booker High.  I asked him what year he graduated and it was not the same as the SHS ring he was wearing.  I asked to see the ring and he handed it to me.  Inside were initials of its original owner.  Not the same as his I assure you. 
I asked him where he got the ring and he said he ‘found’ it.  I asked where and he couldn’t remember.  Since the year on the ring was the same as the year my daughter graduated I called her on the phone, gave her the initials and asked her who she thought the ring might belong to.  She said it could only belong to one guy and told me his name.  It so happened that the name was a young man whose father had attended the same school and coincidentally graduated the same year as my husband. 

I called my husband and told him I thought I had found a high school ring that belonged to an old high school friend of his.  I told him the name and asked if he could look up the guy in the phone book and call him.  He called me back about 10 minutes later and said that the ring did belong to that family, but not his high school buddy, but his brother’s son.  My husband gave them my cell number and said they would be calling me shortly.
About a half hour later the call came in.  It was the father of the owner who was off at college.  The guy told me that his son had been on the football team in his senior year and that he had left the ring on the bench in the locker room during practice.  It was in the pocket of his jeans and after practice he discovered it had been stolen out of the pocket.  He gave up on ever finding the ring.  

The guy was just dumbfounded that I had found that ring and tracked them down.  It was about 2 weeks before Christmas.  I suggested they come down to the station and that I would release the ring to them and they could wrap it up and give it to him as a Christmas present.  They were so happy to get that ring back the whole family came to the station to meet me and see the ring.  I heard later that ring was the best gift that kid got in some years. 
Needless to say Mr. Shoplifter didn’t object to my seizing the ring as recovered property.  I think he was just glad he didn’t get charged with possession of stolen property.
It felt good to see a little miracle at Christmas time.

SNOTTY On The RADIO

Ah, Dick Mortin. What a peach. I remember when I was a rookie dispatcher, they sent up a card to the radio and I sent him to a traffic light malfunction at "Main & Shade". (that's what was on the card).

He comes back real snotty and says "There is no light at Main & Shade".

OK, I didn't know any better. So I didn't say anything.

A couple minutes later he comes on and says " I'll be out on the traffic light malfunction at Main & Shade".



So, real snotty I replied back to him (with Dena egging me on)----



"There is no light at Main & Shade".


I'll bet there were a hundred 'clicks' on the radio.
Anyone who was around in those days knows what 'clicking' means.


Mortin got bested by the the new girl.....he, he, he...


He came up the stairs to the radio room stomping in his big black chippewa boots, 'Who the hell is on the radio"!!!!


He comes around the corner, takes one look at me, busts into giant grin and says " Well, helloooooo there, you married?". I said 'yeah'. He turned around and stomped bak down the stairs and all I could hear was

'ssshhheitt'..............