Satin Sheets to Pay For

There was a motel on the 'strip' in town.  It was not the kind of motel you would take your family to.  It catered to a very small niche clientele.  Those who wanted to enhance their by-the-hour motel experience with a movie.  You know the kind of moves rated with XXX's that all too often ended in Ex's.

It was just after 'check-out' time when the owner/manager summoned the police.  He had been tidying up the rooms when he discovered one of the rooms had been stripped.  Missing were the clock radio,  bed spread, satin sheets, pillow cases, bath linen and shower curtain.  He was not a happy inn keeper.

We took the basics for the report.  The inn keeper valued the missing items at $500.   He described the person who rented the room as a w/m in his 40's, athletic, blond hair & well dressed.  He also noted that the 'companion' was dressed as a b/f  but well known to him as a female impersonator.  (See Knot Nipples if you need further information on this subject).

He then presented the room registration card.  The name was a typical 'John Doe' but there was a tag number.  We ran the tag.  It came back registered to a luxury car owned by a well known local attorney.  One I considered very handsome.  Coincidentally he matched the owner's description of the client to the 'T'.  He looked very much like Warner Huntington III in 'Legally Blonde'.

In most states theft under $1000 is considered petit-theft, a misdemeanor. Unless they are caught in the act you have to get a capias.  In Florida there are some exceptions that allow an immediate arrest, one is defrauding an inn keeper. Yay, if we find this guy we can take him to jail!!!

Moonie and I were partners that day.  We made jokes.  Who got screwed?  What was 'snatched'?  What happened 'Behind the Green Door'?  Was it John or Linda who stole the Love-Lace?

We went back to the station to make a few phone calls and do some research. I telephoned the law firm where the owner of the car worked.  The receptionist advised me that he was in an important meeting and could not be disturbed.  Wanting instant gratification, I was not willing to wait all day to talk to this clown.

I told her that it was a police matter and that I wanted to speak with him now.  She protested but I was able to convey the importance of his taking my call.  She told me she didn't think he would take the call but that she would knock on the door and relay the message.  About 45 seconds later he came on the line.

I told him that his little escapade had resulted in some missing property and listed the items.  (Of course I was bluffing that I knew it was him- but I knew it was him.  If I approached as though it were a done deal he would have been forced into lying to me or admitting his presence.)

He obviously was in the presence of the other people at his meeting and was very circumspect in his responses.  "Yes, officer.  I understand, officer.  I am so sorry, officer.  I will take care of that, officer."
He said he would be there later that day to 'work it out'.

I told him that was not acceptable. He needed to respond immediately to 'take care of it.'

He said he'd be there in 15 minutes.  I guess that very important meeting got put on hold after all.

We were back at the motel when he arrived.  He never batted an eye.  He whipped out 5 one hundred dollar bills and declined the inn keeper's offer of a receipt.  Everyone agreed the incident was resolved.

As we left I took him aside, "I'd just like to know, which one of the 'girls' will be sleeping on new satin sheets tonight?"  He told me 'her' name was Dee Lite.  Ah, Teddy Cabagestalk, my favorite he-she of all time!

John smiled sheepishly.  Said he'd left while 'she'  remained in the room to take a shower. He'd assumed 'she' would just dress and depart after.  He didn't realize that all the bed - bath and beyond items would be packed up into a pillow case or two and toted off. 

He apologized profusely and wanted to know if we could keep the story out of the newspaper.  Of course I told him I could make no such promise but if he didn't blab maybe they wouldn't pick up on it.  The case was re-classified as a civil matter and closed.  The news paper never found the story.  Some guys have all the luck.

They teach you a saying at the academy and I'm sure they go over it in law school too. It's a quote on Assumption from Oscar Wilde~
“When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me.”

After all these years I'm still wondering.............
 what Teddy needed with a clock radio!